Adventures in Online Dating: "I know some international bands as well..."

So here's the latest email from Mark.* There is so much about this email that makes me want to dope-slap him.

Starting with the subject line. You know some international bands as well? Woopty-freakin-doo. What do you want, a fucking cookie? Lemme explain why he said that... Back when we were doing the eHarmony questions, he asked me this:

"You like David Sedaris, so you're pretty much awesome already. What other non-mainstream things to you like that will impress me even more?"

Okay, first of all - *I* have to impress *YOU*? Pfht. Anyway, my reply started with this:

GOGOL BORDELLO. The absolute BEST band EVER. I've seen them in concert 5 times in the past 2.5 years - the last two shows being back-to-back concerts in Baltimore a month ago. They played Thursday and Friday nights and I went to both...

So when he emails me, he mentions this:

I would argue that Dream Theater is the greatest band ever - but I honestly don't expect to find women who share my tastes in music. I'll be very lonely if I try for that.

Fair enough. I personally find metal rather irritating, but I'm glad he doesn't have unrealistic expectations for his mate. Being a fangirl and occasionally snarky, I replied with this:

Nope, sorry - Gogol Bordello is the greatest band ever. A punk/rock band formed in New York by a Ukrainian with gypsy roots, who now lives in Brazil + a guitarist from Israel + a classically trained Russian violinist + an Ethiopian on bass + another Russian toting an accordion + a dude of Italian/Swedish/Carribean descent wearing a kilt playing drums + three more on percussion from Ecuador, Hong Kong, and Vermont/Thailand. It all adds up to a transcontinental, multicultural soundgasm with infectious energy. Nothing tops Gogol Bordello. :) But I know what you mean - I've given up on finding someone who shares my taste in music. Musical preference is probably not very high on the list of what makes relationships "work."

So now we're back to the email with "I know some international bands as well..." in the subject line.

From: Mark
Date: Tue, Jun 1, 2010 at 10:40 PM
Subject: I know some international bands as well...
To: Susan

Hello Susan,

If you like international music, your best bet of liking something I like would be "Orphaned Land", they describe themselves as "Judeo-Muslim heavy metal". They're pretty awesome because they use traditional Middle Eastern instruments with modern ones to make Middle Eastern metal.

So, what do you do in your spare time? Have any pets? and, most importantly, what is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Hope to hear from you soon,
Mark

Okay, fine. I'll give him credit for trying to connect on some level, even though Orphaned Land SUCKS. (I looked 'em up on MySpace. Nice concept though. But it's still metal. Very irritating.)

What do I do in my spare time? Seriously? Did you even the part of my profile where I answer, "How do you typically spend your leisure time?" Or did the "spare/leisure" synonym throw you off?

Now I can excuse a Holy Grail reference here and there ("what is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"), but the combination of Holy Grail, plus all of my previously stated annoyances, plus how excited he got about my superhero question**, equals "ehhh..."

So "eh" that I can't even bring myself to reply with, "African or European?"

It's possible that my irritability is getting the best of me and sabotaging a potential match.

It's also possible that "irritability" is a my higher self telling me that I'm just not interested in someone. And the less I heed my inner wisdom, the more irritated I get. I've already got two perfect examples of this phenomenon over the past year or so - "Rain Man" and "Java Jerk"***- I probably don't need to add a third.

Or maybe "third time's the charm?"

Or, "these things come in threes?"

Meh.

-----------
*Fake name.
**"If you were a superhero, what superpowers would you want to have? What superpowers would you more likely end up with?" Of course it's a great question. But no need to shoot your load over it.
***I'll explain some other time.

Adventures in Online Dating: The Italian Stallion

Another treasure from my OKCupid inbox:

Well my name is ray an IM full Italian,I was born an lived in new York for 15.years.Im the type of man who shows his woman respect,charm,romance e,loyal.Well at the age of 15 i taught myself how to draw,i love to draw eagles,roses,fantasy ,people,dragons.I just started working with oil paints an it brings the art more alive.I would like to capture your beauty on painting an let you see what beauty i see for you through my eyes.I like all types of music an movies but i do have my favor movies is an American werewolf in London an for music it is papa roach.Im also the type of man who likes to cook a woman a nice candle light dinner an give her a dozen roses.There is something very special about me that you cant get from know other man on the planet.This is a drawing of a rose but its not just any rose it repersents all the beauty,caring,love for that woman.This will never die or lose its beauty an will grow till the end of time.This is how i will capture the love an beauty for the woman i really ..love.Im.. Not like all other men im looking for that special woman to capture her beauty an watch it grow till the end of ..time.So.. if you are looking for a man like this please get back to me an will see how it goes.One more thing you are a beautiful woman an don't let anyone tell you any different as. My yahoo id is italianstalion2002 so add me if you want to chat

Wow, that was painful.

And "italianstalion2002"? Check out his second picture. Does it match the image in your mind when you think "Italian Stallion?"

I'm starting to question which is worse: being divorced in my 30s, or being "out there" in my 30s.

Adventures in Online Dating: "Real Dude"

I received this in my OKCupid inbox. The subject line was "real dude." Here's the content:

wow a chick who wants to know how it works! my life long pursuit is to understand everything makes me an outcast in these mountains. Hello my name is ben i like your profile and want to know more about you so hit me up some time.

First of all, my profile says NOTHING about wanting to know how "it" - whatever "it" is - works. I mention that I have fun fixing things, but that's not the same as wanting to know how "it" works. I know how it works, dipshit - I just fucking fixed it myself.

Second, LOOOOVE the grammar and punctuation. Way to weed yourself out of the competition there, buddy. Be sure to swing by English 101 in your lifelong pursuit to understand everything.

Third, "hit me up some time" ? Take a look at his picture. Does this look like the kind of man that should be tossing around that phrase?

His profile offers a few more gems:

He's finishing "collage." Apparently how to spell "college" is not in the curriculum.

He's "not a big fan of the bar's." The bar's WHAT, exactly? The bar's stools? The bar's music? The bar's selection of adult beverages? The bar's shady patrons? The suspense is killing me.

I should be too embarrassed to share this...

...but it's just too freakin' funny!

I just took a "How well do you know NKOTB?" quiz. I have had ZERO interest in these guys since... um... I bought the Hangin' Tough album on cassette in 1988. Holy frijoles, that was 20 years ago! I can't remember the name of the student standing in front of my desk (who I just emailed 15 minutes prior), but I remember this crap???

Your result for How well do you know NKOTB?...

Blockhead!!!

63% Fan, 21% Interested and 5% Can't wait to be done with this!

You are a true blue fan. You know all about the guys, what they do, and their music. Chances are you know all the words to "I'll Be Lovin' You Forever" and you may have a picture or two up somewhere you're not telling anyone about...It's okay. They are a great group of guys, and your heart couldn't be in better hands. Remember, "Positivity is not about being soft, it's about being SMART!" ;)

Take How well do you know NKOTB? at HelloQuizzy

Musical Interlude: Balkan Beat Box

I wish I'd known about these guys back when they were in town 2 years ago...

Family Guy: Brian explains 9/11

Um... WHAT?!?!

Madly in love

I'm so madly in love I can hardly contain myself! I just received this photo of my little sweetheart yesterday and I have to share it with the world...


My niece is THE AWESOMEST creature in the universe. And look - she makes the cutest lion EVER!

rawr!

I think my heart just exploded. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do when my nephew is born. Oy! Do you run out of love, or does it multiply exponentially?

*Yawn*

The antidepressant drug clomipramine has been known to cause patients to experience orgasms while yawning.

What a tragic side effect...

Astrology

Astrology is another one of those kooky things that fascinates me. I actually had an astrological reading done about 2 years ago. Now, this isn't something I put too much faith in. I do look at all of this with a healthy skepticism.

Point/counterpoint: Christine told me that I would be going from full-time to part time at my old job, then have a fantastic job interview mid-December, and start that job right after the new year - I thought, "Yeah right." But that's exactly what happened. Spooookeee... She also predicted that I'd be pregnant with twins the following February, which was waaay off.

There's a website called Astrodienst where you can enter in your birthday, time of birth, and location of birth, and it will generate a natal chart like this:

[I cropped out my personal data.]

There are also some free analyses based on your chart which, like I said, is based solely on your DOB, time of birth, and location of birth. Healthy skepticism, remember?

I thought I'd share some of the more interesting snippets, for your amusement.

From the "Personal Portrait" short report
Text by Robert Pelletier, Copyright © Astrodienst AG 2008

...You take life at a leisurely pace. You form opinions slowly and reflectively and can become obstinate in the views you do adopt.
...Your inner nature is conciliatory and compromising, for you value balance and symmetry above all. In love you choose a partner carefully and conduct your courtship with great patience.
...You were born with a natural disposition to be humane, sympathetic, original and refined in your dealings with others. Among your features is the ability to understand human nature in a sympathetic manner.
...You have a natural inclination toward the esoteric and mystical side of life and you could develop some clairvoyant abilities.
...Although changeable in appearance, your life is guided by very definite and fixed principles, one of which is a constant demand for personal freedom.
...There exists a vast reservoir of creativity which could be successfully applied to such pursuits as writing and poetry.
...Your mind appears as very adaptable, gentle, peace-loving and tactful. This position indicates that the secret for your ability to reach a state of harmony and emotional balance may come through the use of your higher mental powers.

From the "Forecast" short report
Text by Robert Hand, Copyright © Astrodienst AG 2008

Beginning of October 2008 until beginning of July 2009: This influence indicates a time of equilibrium in your life, when the demands of the world are in balance with your emotional needs. Emotional maturity and past experiences have prepared you for this, and now you can put your understanding to work to make your life run more smoothly. Tensions that in the past have seemed to pull you in opposite directions are now working in balance and harmony.
...At this time your emotional attitude is sober. Your mental state is relatively quiet, and you can see objectively what is true for you, what your needs are and how much you can give and get from others. Your domestic life and your work reinforce each other, and you are able to attend to both without sacrificing either.

Mid October 2008 until end of July 2009: At this time your relationships will work for you in very practical ways. You understand how you need to have others work with you, and you are willing to meet the other person's needs within a relationship as long as he or she does the same for you.
...On the whole, all your relationships will achieve a degree of stability at this time. Ultimately relationships survive only if they are able to satisfy the real needs of the people involved. You are particularly conscious of this now, so you examine your relationships accordingly. The more real your relationships are now, the better.

I'm totally leaving out the "Love, Flirtation, and Sex" short report. If you're interested, I'll email it to you and you can have a big ol' laugh - but I'm not posting on the web!

Flashback: Gravitas-Off

This is still one of my favorite clips from The Colbert Report. In the very first episode of the show, Stephen Colbert and Stone Phillips have a Gravitas-Off:

Post-Divorce Dating for Dummies

I'm working on a self-help book, Post-Divorce Dating for Dummies. Of course if the "For Dummies" people don't hire me, I'll need to tweak the title.

While I'm still in the research phase of the writing process, I'll give you an exclusive sneak preview of what I'm working on:

Chapter 1: What the hell happened? Waking up from your divorce-induced stupor and realizing that the dating climate has completely changed from what is was like, you know, back then.

Chapter 2: Taking stock before you take on stalking. The often-overlooked art of reflecting on the past before barreling forward.

Chapter 3: You're not as perky as you used to be. The good news is: neither is he.

Chapter 4: Taming your bodily functions. So you've spent the last eight years engaged in the sport of competitive belching. How to put a lid on it long enough to make a good impression.

Chapter 5: First aid for first dates. Or, what to do when he has a panic attack.

Chapter 6: Cunning linguistics. Which conversation starters are appropriate, and which ones you should save for your therapist.

Chapter 7: Remind me again how to get to first base? Including step-by-step diagrams and flowcharts. And a handy wallet card.

Chapter 8: I shaved my legs for this? Reframing a miserable date into a character-building learning experience.

Chapter 9: Whose baggage is it anyway? How to determine which issues are yours, which ones are hers, and whether or not it really matters.

That will have to tide you over until I do some more intensive research, or I sign my seven-figure publishing deal.

By the way... this idea is, like, so totally copyrighted now.

Stephen is one sexy beast

Colbert. Stephen Colbert. [WHAT?!]

And he's gonna use a drain auger to snake out my U-trap. MeeeOW!

Got cable?

Can I... uh... come over to your place and watch TV?

It just occurred to me the yesterday that I'm totally missing out on all the awesomely scary October programming. Like where they go into haunted places and do stupid shit to piss off ghosts? Or where they send a [family/bunch of celebrities/group of college kids] into some ridiculous place infested with boogeymen, strap a bunch of cameras on them, and make 'em do crazy rituals?

I swear I won't mooch your snacks. I'll even do chores around the house during the commercials. Dishes. Vacuuming. Dusting. Paying bills. Taking Floofy out to tinkle. Can I change the sheets for you? Want me to handwash those silky underbritches? I'll do anything. As long as it can be accomplished in 90-second bursts.

You'd be amazed at what I can do in 90 seconds.

*wink wink nudge nudge*

Huh? Nope, no innuendo. I had something in my eye. And a tic in my elbow.

On Notice (again): My Uterus

This is your second notice.

Look, we’ve been working together for 21 years now. We ought to be able to come to some kind of agreement. Yes, I know our 4 years with IUD were great. But you just can’t invite Fibroid into the mix and expect everything to be hunky dory. I replaced IUD, thinking she was burned out from the increased squabbling, but her replacement lasted less than 30 days. Boy was I pissed when I realized that Fibroid was to blame – and you’ve been enabling him this whole time. In fact, you are the only reason he showed up in the first place.

Since you ignored repeated requests to sever all ties with Fibroid, I took the advice of a consultant and implemented a 3 month leave of absence, with the option of only requiring your services once per quarter afterwards. You were notified in a timely manner and you were provided with the necessary resources to adjust to this new performance plan.

You can imagine my surprise when you showed up for work, an overachieving 4 days earlier than your normal schedule - and a full two months prior to when our agreed-upon trial separation was to end. While I admire your enthusiasm and dedication, please know that this constitutes insubordination and will not be tolerated.

Not only have you disobeyed strict orders from upper management, but you have obviously misinterpreted the terms of our renegotiated contract, including:

• Transitioning to a 12 week cycle, NOT a 3.5 week cycle,
• A decrease in output, not an increase (as counterintuitive as that may be), and
• A dramatic slash in excruciating pain and constant nausea. Your 2% reduction is just not going to cut it.

I think it’s only fair that I give you until the end of the quarter to make improvements. Please be advised that corrective action will be taken if adequate progress has not been made.

P.S. You can create your own "On Notice" board here.

The Counselor (INFJ)

Someone mentioned their Keirsey temperament the other day and I couldn't remember what mine was. I did the quiz here, but I went to Kiersey.com to find a more official description of INFJ. (Keirsey.com does have a 'free' questionnaire, but the full answers cost money.)

The following is completely cut-and-pasted from Kiersey.com:

Idealist Portrait of the Counselor (INFJ)

Counselors have an exceptionally strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others, and find great personal fulfillment interacting with people, nurturing their personal development, guiding them to realize their human potential. Although they are happy working at jobs (such as writing) that require solitude and close attention, Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries. Counselors are both kind and positive in their handling of others; they are great listeners and seem naturally interested in helping people with their personal problems. Not usually visible leaders, Counselors prefer to work intensely with those close to them, especially on a one-to-one basis, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes.

Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people's feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.

Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena.

Mohandas Gandhi, Sidney Poitier, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Goodall, Emily Bronte, Sir Alec Guiness, Carl Jung, Mary Baker Eddy, Queen Noor are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).

Some day I'll redo the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and compare it to the Keirsey Temperament Sorter.

I miss psych class.

Upping my nerd quotient

It's official. I'm making the switch.

I'm going Linux.

*nerdgasm*

Yep. I'm gonna hose my machine and go all-out, balls to the wall NERD.

I'll be joining the ranks of users who thumb their noses at 'intellectual property' - or, more likely, folks who just don't feel like forking out big wads of cash to upgrade to the latest, overpriced, overstuffed, memory-hogging operating systems and productivity suites. Yeah. Take that, capitalism.

Now if you'll excyoooz me... I've got some tutorials to read...

Wow. Did I just add dork on top of nerd?

Aloneness

I turned 32 the other day. I celebrated my birthday by spending it alone - and it was the best gift I could have given myself.

Aloneness is not about emptiness or isolation or loneliness. It’s about having space to explore the self. It’s about letting the noise of life slip away and listening to the harmony within. It’s about exploring both separateness and interconnectedness.

Aloneness is a state of being so often avoided by our society. Why? Is it that uncomfortable to stop and hear the thoughts in our heads? Is it that terrifying to acknowledge our true feelings? Is being ourselves so painful that we can only survive by drowning out our true nature? By desperately grasping onto someone or something to distract us from ourselves?

"...[T]here is a tremendous difference between loneliness and aloneness... Loneliness is a negative state... Loneliness is the absence of the other. Aloneness is the presence of oneself. Aloneness is very positive. It is a presence, overflowing presence...

"When there is no 'significant other' in our lives we can either be lonely, or enjoy the freedom that solitude brings. When we find no support among others for our deeply felt truths, we can either feel isolated and bitter, or celebrate the fact that our vision is strong enough even to survive the powerful need for the approval of family, friends or colleagues."

~ Osho Zen Tarot

The Pied Piper of Hutzovina

I'm still freakin' obsessed with Gogol Bordello. Particularly Eugene Hutz. Here's the trailer for The Pied Piper of Hutzovina, a documentary following Hutz on a journey to rediscover his gypsy roots.



There's nothing more electrifying that seeing Gogol Bordello live. I'm already planning for their upcoming shows in D.C. Yep. Plural. They're playing two nights in a row at the 9:30 Club, and I just might have to attend both. Well... if I survive the first show.

The last time I went to a Gogol Bordello concert... it was June, and I absentmindedly wore my Chacos to the show. My feet were numb within minutes, and it wasn't until I hit the ladies room afterwards that I realized I had lost a few toenails. Or rather, "several of my toenails were brutally ripped off from getting stomped on by frenzied fans."

I've never really thought of myself as being "delicate," but HOLY HELL! I guess I needed to be smashed in a sea of rabid gypsy punk fans to truly understand just how delicate I really was. Did it occur to me to take any friends along? Nah. "This will be an adventure!"

So it was me against a hundreds of testosterone-fueled Y-chromosomes.

Being slammed up against hundreds of strangers was kinda weird. I had no choice but to move as the crowd moved, jump as the crowd jumped. Within 30 minutes, my clothes were soaked with the sweat of at least 20 different people. And I didn't need to worry about passing out and getting trampled on - we were so smashed in together that it would have been impossible to actually fall to the ground.

Eventually everyone was throwing elbows trying to preserve their personal space. There was one ass in particular who kept digging his elbow into my chest. Do you not notice this uniquely mushy padding that your appendage is ramming into??? GET YOUR GODDAMN ELBOW OUTTA MY TIT! I either punched him or jabbed a very angry fingernail into his arm. I don’t remember.

I didn't realize until the next day just how many muscles I had been using trying to protect myself. I could barely walk. When my alarm clock went off, I nearly fell on my face trying to engage what was left of my muscles. And my mood... holy crap, I was a completely different person! My aura had been infected by the toxic sludge of male aggression. I was one angry BITCH. It took me several days to re-socialize myself.

Do I want to do it all over again? HELL YEAH.

Sooo... my GB survival kit will include no less than: one titanium sports bra, one pair of steel-toed boots, one bottle of Advil, one set of dry clothes, and at least one linebacker to help buffer me from the stupid "moshers."

I should start drafting my Craigslist ad now.

Wanted: One kind-hearted beefcake to stand next to me for 4 hours. Dinner, drinks, and cover charge provided.

Mishto!

The Awesome Test of Awesomeness

Your result for The Awesome Test of Awesomeness....

Awesomely Cool

It looks like Cool was your highest variable! This means that you are awesome fun. You tend to look at the lighter side of things. You don't take your awesomeness quite as seriously as a Scary Awesome person or a Respected Awesome person. Instead, your awesomeness is merely a byproduct of you enjoying life to the fullest. You are Awesome!

Take The Awesome Test of Awesomeness. at HelloQuizzy