Susan's Menstrual Musans

Welcome to the very first "Too Much Information" edition of Susan's Musans. DISCLAIMER: This post may violate rules 1, 2, and 3 as outlined below (see April 3, 2008, "I'm baaaaaack!"). Any past, present, or potential employers, mothers, or suitors may wish to turn back before it's too late. You have been warned.

It appears that my cycle has shifted. "Aunt Flo" changed her flight and decided to visit early. Opening the door to see Aunt Flo's shining face is bittersweet. On the one hand, I'm relieved that I'm not pregnant - not that I'm sexually active. (Hi Mom!) No, every month I have this fear that I'll be the next winner in the Immaculate Conception Lottery and I'll have to dedicate my remaining years on this spiraling slab of asphalt behaving like the kind of mother worthy of introducing the next Messiah to the world. [*SHUDDER*] Thanks, but I believe I'll pass.

The "bitter" part of my reunion with Flo is realizing that one more egg has been flushed down the toilet. Yes, that's right folks - my biological clock has officially started ticking. I'm not sure when it started, but I just can't deny it any longer. This would be the part where any would-be suitors are supposed to turn and RUN LIKE HELL!!! Save yourselves! Retreat before you are trapped by the gravitational pull of my pheromones! If you're not scared yet - keep reading and discover what happens when my hormones run amok.

Back to the matter of Aunt Flo's change in travel plans... I'm not complaining about the rescheduling - quite the contrary. Flo's arrival is typically preceded by 7 days worth of raging hormonal turmoil, the worst of which falls during the work week and includes at least one day in which I am possessed by an evil and rather unruly demon - who needs a name, by the way... post a reply if you've got any suggestions... alliteration is a must...

Unnamed Evil Menstrual Monster 'A' ('A' is for 'Appetite') typically has me stomping around like Godzilla searching for comfort food, destroying anything or anyone who dares to stand in my way. Unnamed Evil Menstrual Monster 'A' usually appears on a Wednesday. Today is Monday. I'm guessing that the feedbag full of buttered popcorn I devoured Saturday night while watching Nim's Island must've warded off the beast like holy water and a garland of garlic. Speaking of garlic, I'm certain that the Pokey Sticks and garlic butter Friday night helped too. I also seem to have missed the presence of Unnamed Evil Menstrual Monster 'B' ('B' is for 'Bitch'). Either my body is getting accustomed to my pill-induced hormonal fluctuations, or I've stumbled upon the solution for minimizing the detrimental effects of PMS...

Thursday: first day without "active" pill - no noticeable side effects.

Friday: schedule an evening of margaritas (margaritas... menstruation... both start with an 'M'... coincidence? methinks not!), topped off with a healthy (?) dose of carbohydrates smothered in cheese.

Saturday: Sleep late. Very late. This minimizes the number of at-risk hours of consciousness being possessed by demons A & B. Replenish carbohydrates.

Sunday: Rinse. Repeat.

This may be superstition. I don't know. But like the winning quarterback wearing the same unwashed jockstrap all season, I'm willing to take one for the team.