On Notice (again): My Uterus

This is your second notice.

Look, we’ve been working together for 21 years now. We ought to be able to come to some kind of agreement. Yes, I know our 4 years with IUD were great. But you just can’t invite Fibroid into the mix and expect everything to be hunky dory. I replaced IUD, thinking she was burned out from the increased squabbling, but her replacement lasted less than 30 days. Boy was I pissed when I realized that Fibroid was to blame – and you’ve been enabling him this whole time. In fact, you are the only reason he showed up in the first place.

Since you ignored repeated requests to sever all ties with Fibroid, I took the advice of a consultant and implemented a 3 month leave of absence, with the option of only requiring your services once per quarter afterwards. You were notified in a timely manner and you were provided with the necessary resources to adjust to this new performance plan.

You can imagine my surprise when you showed up for work, an overachieving 4 days earlier than your normal schedule - and a full two months prior to when our agreed-upon trial separation was to end. While I admire your enthusiasm and dedication, please know that this constitutes insubordination and will not be tolerated.

Not only have you disobeyed strict orders from upper management, but you have obviously misinterpreted the terms of our renegotiated contract, including:

• Transitioning to a 12 week cycle, NOT a 3.5 week cycle,
• A decrease in output, not an increase (as counterintuitive as that may be), and
• A dramatic slash in excruciating pain and constant nausea. Your 2% reduction is just not going to cut it.

I think it’s only fair that I give you until the end of the quarter to make improvements. Please be advised that corrective action will be taken if adequate progress has not been made.

P.S. You can create your own "On Notice" board here.