Lawn Mower Madness, Part 1

[This is the story I was too tired to share last Monday…and I still haven’t finished it…]

We’ve had a lot of rain lately. Good for growing, bad for mowing. I checked the forecast this afternoon – rainy today and tomorrow, clear skies for two days, then more rain. Not that I’m complaining. I like the fact that my new gardens are getting watered for free and I can’t wait to see the results. The complicated part is figuring out when to mow the damn lawn.

So on the way home I noticed that the sun was out (kinda hard not to notice, what with all the brightness and everything). I decided that as soon as I got home, I’d mow as much as the skies would allow – hoping to have enough of a cloud-free window to get the entire job done.

So I’m at home and I’m changing into my grubbies and what do I hear? My neighbor’s lawn mower. Something in me snapped. Must… get… mowing…

Now, normally I’m not a very competitive person. But there must be something about mowing the lawn, particularly at the same time as a next-door neighbor, that brings out the primitive barbarian in even the most docile (or woefully out of shape) of creatures. Never mind the bellyful of dinner and diet cola – I was going to mow the hell out of that lawn.

My rival? Mister Look-At-Me-I’m-Wearing-My-iPod. Mister I’ve-Sharpened-My-Mower-Blades-In-The-Past-Four-Years. Mister Check-Out-My-Turning-Radius. I bet your self-propelled hunk of engineering even has a torque rating.

Yeah, well, ya know what I got? 24 volts – yeah I said volts – of raw rechargeable cordless electric mowing power. With blades so dull you could mow the lawn three sheets to the wind wearing flip flops and never lose a toe. And the mowing deck, woooah buddy! I can mow a whole 19” in one swipe (but since the blades are so dull, only 14” inches really count).

So we’re both mowing our front yards and I’m imagining this whole event played out on the big screen, directed by John Woo and Kevin Smith (their first collaboration – a truly historic event). My character is played by Jason Statham, a la Frank Martin in ‘The Transporter.’ My nemesis is played by Hugo Weaving, channeling his Agent Smith character from the ‘Matrix’ movies. If he’s not available, I’ve got Alan Rickman on line two. Since I can’t decide on the soundtrack, I’ll have to settle for an original score by Danny Elfman.

Since my mower is electric and too easy to turn on, I can’t show off my mowing prowess by doing that ferocious YANK of the (what do you call that thing that you yank?) as I throw my competitor the stink eye. The best I can muster is a sideways glance through my $10 sunglasses as I hold back the safety bar and flip the 'on' switch…

STAY TUNED FOR THE EXCITING (?) CONCLUSION OF ‘LAWN MOWER MADNESS’

[that is, if I ever get around to it…]